Recently I was invited by a former student to join his family for dinner and to watch a major sporting event for which the extended family was gathering. I was honored and excited to spend this time with the family and extended family of a student for whom I have great respect. In the years I worked with him, I had only met his nephew who attended the same school.
The invitation came after he and I had met for coffee to catch-up on each other’s life events in the period since I left the school he attended for a different school. After coffee, I asked him to go to a store with me. The store specializes in groceries that are found in stores in Mexico. I wanted to get some genuine ingredients rather than rely on the versions available in my traditional grocery store. I invited him to come along as my translator in case I got stuck. He was stunned that I liked the foods his family liked. He told his sister about the ingredients I purchased in the store and she insisted he invite me to the family dinner that night.
I shattered stereotypes he had of middle-aged white men. He and I always had a good relationship as counselor-student. We spent hours together as I worked with him developing skills to take timed, standardized tests (SAT, AP, ACT, etc). As an English Language Learner he struggled with time limits on the tests; he knew the answers, but it sometimes took him longer in translation. Despite the hours we spent together, he had no idea most of the food I prepare is inspired by Mexican techniques and flavors.
The depth of his surprise generated some conflicting emotions. That he valued me enough as a person in his life that he wanted to maintain contact meant that I had built a good relationship with him. We educators work very hard at building healthy relationships with students. Too often we see that our professional relationship with a student is the only healthy adult-adolescent relationship they have. However, after the hours of one-on-one time we spent together to find out that he did not know how his culture influenced ¾ of what I eat made me wonder if I drew the lines of personal/professional relationship too strictly.
I have no doubt that he recognized my genuine care and concern for his individual success, but I wonder how much more he and his peers would have benefitted from knowing how much I honored his culture through its daily influence on my life when I worked on the campus rather than discovering it when I am no longer present on a daily basis. On that campus, I ate my lunch quickly, in isolation, in my office between the lunch periods. I do that now - on a campus that essentially mirrors the demographics of the previous campus.
How much would it hurt - or more importantly, how much would it benefit me to eat my lunch in the cafe with the students so that they see 1) how much my food is shaped by their culture and 2) how healthy my diet is on a daily basis? [I am the administrator of a Health Science Academy, I talk about healthy eating during every lunch period as I visit with students about their lunch choices.] My lunch choices are now educational opportunities.
In the last decade, as education has recognized that relationships are an important part of the educational process, identification of the boundary between personal and professional continues to prove challenging for many educators. I have always operated on the conservative side of the debate. My students need to know me and that connection is vital, but they do not need to know the things about me that my friends and family knows. After the recent discovery that my students did not know some details that provided the opportunity for a genuine cultural connection, I need to spend some time considering what in my life builds a valuable connection to students and what continues to bridge into a friendship familiarity. I will reveal more of the details that build a connection while I continue to conceal those things that promote familiarity.
The evening I spent with my former student’s family is one I will always remember. I enjoyed an evening with four generations of a family welcoming me while enjoying one another and celebrating their heritage. Food was the obvious connection but it led to something deeper. I met a family who celebrates their cultural connections. They welcomed me because I value the same cultural connections they do. More importantly, I left the evening recognizing that I will never have another evening with such a family if they do not know where my values lie.
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